Category Archives: Change

Take a compliment

11 Monday Sep 2017

Posted by in Advice, Change, Coping skills, Mental health, Stress

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I work with people daily who have extreme work stress and almost across the board they have the same complaint. They never get recognised for the good that they are doing but if they do something wrong, then they get a lot of attention.
It really upsets me that this happens. Why don’t people get credit and recognition that they deserve?
One of the reasons is that it is expected that you will always perform brilliantly- you should never make mistakes, you shouldn’t put a foot out of line and you certainly shouldn’t challenge management.
The problem is that when you work harder you are expected to keep up that standard. So you push yourself harder and work more and become more stressed and burn out and make a mistake. And then you are punished – for being stressed. For being human!

So how do we change this? Well the difficult part is that we are not going to change other people’s perceptions but you can change your own:
1. Accept that you can’t always work at 100% and be gentle on yourself
2. Don’t expect compliments (sad, I know) – work hard because you enjoy doing it not because it is expected of you
3. Compliment yourself when you know that you’ve done well (and that might even include a little gift for yourself)
4. Take the fact that people notice everything that you do (good or bad) as a compliment
5. Insist on occasionally taking a ‘mental health’ day – time out for doing something that nourishes your mind, body and soul

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Use Kintsugi in your life

09 Wednesday Aug 2017

Posted by in Advice, Being brave, Change, Positivity

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In the 15th Century in Japan, a technique of repairing broken pottery was invented which came to be known as Kintsugi.
If a bowl was broken, instead of throwing it away or trying to repair it to its original state, pure gold was used to repair the broken pieces.  The bowl became a more beautiful, and highly sought after, piece of pottery.

When I learned about this exquisite technique, it made me think about how often we are broken into pieces through tragedy, trauma and loss.
Our instinct when we go through something really difficult is to try to repair ourselves so that we eventually go back to being the same person that we were before it happened.
We know well enough that this rarely happens because we are scarred.  But what if instead of trying to repair ourselves to our original state we create a new self?  We repair ourselves with gold.
Breaking down gives us the most incredible gift in allowing us to redesign our lives and ourselves.
Every time you long to go back to ‘the good old days’ remember kintsugi.

Tell yourself “I am not going back, I am creating a new me and I am going to be more beautiful, more brave and more interesting than I ever was before”

Knock on new doors

24 Friday Mar 2017

Posted by in Advice, Change, Fear, Life journey, Success

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Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had done things different.
How different would my life be if I had said yes instead of no or no instead of yes.  What could have happened if I had taken a different career path?

Even the smallest decisions can push your life on a different path.
Meeting someone randomly, being in the right place at the right time, being in the wrong place in the wrong time, choosing to stay home, taking a different route…
Everything has potential consequences – and they could potentially be life altering ones.

You can’t drive yourself crazy with could haves and would haves and what ifs.  There is no way that we could ever know if things were meant to happen because of fate or by pure chance.  And we definitely have no idea about the consequences that our actions in the present are going to have on our future.
But you do have the ability to knock on new doors and to expose yourself to experiences that maybe you wouldn’t have tried before if you are open to the fact that every thing that you do could be an opportunity.  Don’t let fears from past experiences stop you from creating new opportunities.
Don’t be afraid to try new things, meet new people and step out of your comfort zone.
Be prepared to kick that door down and shout out “Life! Here I am!”

Fear of failure

16 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in Advice, Being brave, Change, Life Lessons, Self growth

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I never loved school – when I look back at my schooling, the one thing that always comes to mind was my fear of failure.  That was probably because we were constantly being taught that failure is a bad thing and we not only had to avoid it at all costs but also to always work harder.
As children we are often told by our parents and grandparents what we are not allowed to do or say or touch.  To avoid risk and potential failure or hurt and pain.
So we stick with those beliefs.

The negative reputation that failure gets follows you into your adulthood where you still feel that fear is a bad thing.
More often than not, you are not taught that failure might actually open up new doors for you.  You are not taught that failure is an opportunity to learn and grow as an individual.  You are not given the chance to discover what your strengths and weaknesses are and to really build on your strengths because you spend so much energy and time trying to fix the weaknesses.

If you could let the fear of failure go and bravely enter new places, discover new opportunities and take chances, you may just find something that you never even knew existed.
As uncomfortable as it is to fail, the fear of failing or avoidance of failure just holds you back.  It makes you want to stay in your comfort zone.
And you are worthy of doing so much more than just holding yourself back.
Jump in, try it, take a risk – great, great things might happen!

Asking for help – no, you are not a failure

05 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by in Advice, Being brave, Change, Depression, Fear

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Happy new year!
May 2017 bring everything that you wish for yourself.

During my leisurely break, I was browsing online and I found this advice written by somebody called sassygaynicoo on what would be nice for a person to do for somebody who has depression:

Chances are their room is a disaster and they have -846 motivation to do anything about it.  Helping them tidy up will make them feel a little less overwhelmed.

Do their laundry.  Even small chores seem to pile up when a person is depressed and not having clean clothes won’t make them feel any better. Washing their bedding is also great.

Try to convince them to go for a short walk with you.  There is a good chance they will feel a lot better after.

If you can’t get them outside, at least open a window for fresh air and let some sunshine in.

Prepare them a healthy meal with some fresh fruit.  Many depressed people fall into bad eating patterns.

If they aren’t eating enough, make sure they are taking a multi-vitamin since not getting enough of a vitamin can cause depression.

Make them a warm, nice smelling bath.  Aromatherapy is a great way to treat depression and anxiety.

Write them a letter or card to read for when they’re feeling really bad.

Make them a recovery playlist with some of their favourite songs and anything uplifting.

Make them laugh.

Make them a cup of tea and sit with them.

Listen to them.

I’m sure that you wish that somebody would do any of these things for you.
Well, next time somebody asks what they can do for you (and I really hope they do), instead of saying “Don’t worry, I’m fine” ask them to do something for you from this list or anything that you think will help you.  “Bring me some cake” seems to work fine for me.

Make it your mission this year to be wonderfully you with no fear of being judged by anyone or being seen as needy and dependent.  You deserve care.  You really do.

Start making plans for 2017

08 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in Advice, Change, Creativity, Positivity

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Almost every person that I speak to (except for a few brilliant/lucky exceptions) has said that 2016 was a terrible year.
Some won’t even be so kind as to say terrible.
It’s difficult to understand what would make a year so awful.  Is it the year itself? 365 days of misery?
Is there just a general sense of negativity and unease in the world today?

Then what do we want from 2017? Of course… a better year!
So when midnight strikes on the 31st of December 2016, something will magically change and 2017 will start off in a better way?
Unlikely!
If we want 2017 to be better than this year, we have to make conscious and real decisions about what we are going to do to take control over our lives.
A year does not control us.
What happens in the world does not control us – unless we let it do so.

Now is a brilliant time to plan what you are going to start doing differently.  Yes, you have to do something differently because if your life was working out so well, you wouldn’t be reading this!
Do something different.
Make a change.  It doesn’t have to be your job or your relationship but it has to be something.
Some ideas for you:
– Change your hairstyle
– Volunteer at a charity
– Have longer baths
– Make something rather than buy it
– Sign up for an online course
– Make time for friends
– Use more glitter

I look forward to hearing some of your brilliant ideas

World Aids Day

01 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in Change, Coping skills, HIV, Positivity

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How did it get to be December?
And suddenly it is World Aids Day.
I have been involved in HIV education and counselling since 1993 and it is a totally different world today compared to how we dealt with HIV then.  I did a lot of work in helping people to accept death and making peace with their lives.
I was involved in trying to reduce stigma towards people living with HIV.
Today it is clearly not a death sentence to be diagnosed with HIV.  People live long and healthy lives with HIV.  And people are generally OK enough to make their status public.

aids

What would be ideal though would be if less people were becoming infected with HIV through abusive relationships.
I still see a lot of women who feel powerless against their abusive spouses who do not care to use condoms even though they know that they are putting themselves and their partners at risk.
These are the people who worry me the most.
So it is OK to say out loud that you are HIV positive but it is not OK to ask your partner to use a condom and be respected for your choice?

My real wish is that AIDS day is not just something that comes along once a year and everyone wears red ribbons, lights candles and says a prayer.  My wish is for people to have freedom within their relationships.  To have the right to stand up and say no.
No to having unprotected sex, no to being treated as less worthy, no to having to answer to somebody, no to being abused in any kind of way.

To everyone who is going through a hard time – here’s to you – you, the survivor, you – with a voice to be heard.
I am constantly inspired by people like you who keep on going no matter how tough it is.
Thank you for making the choice to do things differently!

Understanding that change has to happen

24 Thursday Nov 2016

Posted by in Advice, Attitude, Change, Depression, Fear, Gratitude, Positivity

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There are definitely days when I get overwhelmed by what I do – I feel responsible for so many people.
That can be really difficult, but it is also so rewarding.
I don’t think that there are many people who are truly blessed to be able to witness – every single day – people transforming right before their eyes.

The truth is that even though I feel so responsible for all these people, I am not responsible for one of them.
Each person needs to take responsibility for themselves.  I can put so much effort into working with somebody who is just not going to get better or is not going to want to change and there is not much that I can do about that.
I constantly tell people that although I am grateful for their appreciation and thanks, they should look inward and realise the amount of work that they put into their own recovery.

Everybody who believes that they are going to change and that their lives are going to improve will do exactly that.
You cannot change what happens to you and you can’t take away the experiences that you’ve had but you can definitely choose how you are going to deal with them.
For every lonely, hopeless moment that you have, you need to understand that you can pick yourself up when you are ready and start making changes.
Change is the one thing that most people fear and you are so blessed to have these problems (yes, seriously!) because they have forced you to change.  You have nothing to lose now.
And as difficult and uncomfortable as it feels at the time, I really hope that one day you will look back at this time and be grateful for the change that it forced you to make.

You are a better, stronger and more resilient person for having gone through this.

Change – the scary stuff

03 Thursday Nov 2016

Posted by in Advice, Change, Fear

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Change is scary!
Maybe not as scary as snakes, zombie apocalypses and ghosts (Okay, I know Halloween is over now… get on with it)
Just as I was about to start writing about dealing with change, my 13 year old came into my office and asked if he could write my blog for me.

So this is what he wrote (unedited):
“Change can be scary because its like you are going into new territory the unknown, you could be scared because of a new medication you need to take or starting a new job even learning the simplest of things can be scary and hold you back, what you need is to break through your fears and try if you cant do it try try and try again never give up hope never stop believing in yourself”

My son has a chronic illness so we never know how each day is going to go – some days he wakes up feeling well and our day is routine based and for a short while we feel normal, and other days are so horrible that all of our plans go out the window.  He is used to nothing going as planned even though he craves living a “normal life”.  I really hope that this will put him in good stead for his adult years.

Most adults fear change so much that they stay in their comfort zones and stay unhappy.
I’m guessing that if you were truly happy, you wouldn’t need to be reading this blog.  So if you are not happy, or if you think that you could improve some aspects of your somewhat happy life, you are going to need to change in order to do that.
Often change is an absolute blessing but we don’t realise it when it happens because it makes us feel that uncomfortable.
Change leads to growth and onto new things that you may never have even thought possible.
If you find it difficult, start doing small things that will still make a difference but won’t necessarily change your life path.
I do things like colour my hair (it’s currently purple) or change my route to work.  It adds a tiny twist of adventure that makes me believe that the bigger changes are manageable too.
Give yourself a chance for adventure too!