Category Archives: Coping skills

Take a compliment

11 Monday Sep 2017

Posted by in Advice, Change, Coping skills, Mental health, Stress

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I work with people daily who have extreme work stress and almost across the board they have the same complaint. They never get recognised for the good that they are doing but if they do something wrong, then they get a lot of attention.
It really upsets me that this happens. Why don’t people get credit and recognition that they deserve?
One of the reasons is that it is expected that you will always perform brilliantly- you should never make mistakes, you shouldn’t put a foot out of line and you certainly shouldn’t challenge management.
The problem is that when you work harder you are expected to keep up that standard. So you push yourself harder and work more and become more stressed and burn out and make a mistake. And then you are punished – for being stressed. For being human!

So how do we change this? Well the difficult part is that we are not going to change other people’s perceptions but you can change your own:
1. Accept that you can’t always work at 100% and be gentle on yourself
2. Don’t expect compliments (sad, I know) – work hard because you enjoy doing it not because it is expected of you
3. Compliment yourself when you know that you’ve done well (and that might even include a little gift for yourself)
4. Take the fact that people notice everything that you do (good or bad) as a compliment
5. Insist on occasionally taking a ‘mental health’ day – time out for doing something that nourishes your mind, body and soul

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Coping with feeling overwhelmed

22 Thursday Jun 2017

Posted by in Advice, Coping skills, Lists, Projects, Stress

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Stress can make you feel so overwhelmed that you feel like you are going to blow up or that you want to hibernate or run away forever.
There isn’t an easy answer to dealing with such huge problems but there are some manageable steps that you can take:

1. Remove yourself from the situation.  If you can get away from the room or the building that you are sitting in or stay away from your computer or phone for a few minutes then do it.  Take a short walk (slam the door on the way out if you really have to), regroup, breathe deeply and return.

2.  Stay away from social media for a while.  It really doesn’t help for you to see people whose lives seem to be awesome when yours feels like it is falling apart.  You also don’t need to be part of anyone else’s drama.

3.  Declutter! Clear your desk, delete emails and messages (not the important ones), get rid of the things around you that are unnecessary.  When your mind feels cluttered with your problems, you don’t need physical objects cluttering your space too.

4. Talk to somebody.  It doesn’t mean that you have to offload all of your problems on them but just tell someone that you are not coping and that you are stressed. They might be feeling the same way too. If there is absolutely nobody to talk to then write it down or illustrate it so that you can still express yourself.

5.  Make time (no matter what) just to do something for yourself.  It might just be a few minutes but it is essential that you do something nice for yourself (I’m not talking about buying another pair of shoes! Though who am I to judge you?)

6.  Find a project that will keep you motivated.  Do you have a room that needs painting?  Sort out your photos.  Create something quirky.  Learn a new skill.  Play a game.  Take up a new sport…

I know that you feel so tired and stressed and overwhelmed right now but it will pass.  Just do the best that you can to cope in this moment.
I know that you can do it!

Is it your disaster?

08 Thursday Jun 2017

Posted by in Advice, Coping skills, Depression, Gratitude, trauma

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It’s easy to get caught up in all of the drama of the disasters and bad news in the world.  And the media delight in sharing the worst of the news with us.  Social media also drives us into a mass hysteria or mass sympathy.
So this week was again filled with bad news and disasters, one after the other, and it is really easy to get depressed by it all.
If it did not affect you directly, it is not your story.
You have your own story.
Do what you can to avoid getting pulled down by what you hear about or read about.  You have no power over those things.

If those incidences like the fires and the floods and the deaths that happened this week have affected you directly, I am really sorry that you have had to go through that.

If it didn’t affect you directly then what can you do?
Firstly – count your blessings.  Take a moment to give thanks for being safe, for having your family with you.  Be grateful for the roof over your head, a home to go to (no matter how small or inadequate it may be), a warm cup of tea and a cosy blanket.
Secondly – if you feel that you need to help those affected by disasters, don’t spend time on social media using hash tags.  Rather find out where help is needed and what you can do for them.  Donate a blanket or some food, volunteer at an organisation that is giving support.
Thirdly – celebrate life.  Celebrate the times when you are healthy.  Celebrate the little things – things as small as sleeping through the night, eating an enjoyable meal, doing something that gives you pleasure.  If there is one thing that we can learn from all of this bad news, it is that life is short.  Don’t wait for one day.  Don’t wait for the big events to celebrate.
Take pleasure in what you have.
What you have is wonderful.

Finding the beauty in tragedy

25 Thursday May 2017

Posted by in Acts of Kindness, Advice, Attitude, Coping skills, Positivity, trauma

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This week started horribly with the death of my granny.  Although she was 100 years old, it is still sad to lose a loved one.
Something so beautiful came out of her death though.
Distant cousins who I had lost touch with years ago reached out to me in our shared grief.  People had such nice things to say and I realised who actually really cares about me.  I spent some quality time making an art work memorial for her and found some peace in doing so.

Then later in the week the world was once again thrown into a state of tragedy when we woke up to the horrible news about the bomb in Manchester.
And once again, there was beauty to be seen everywhere.  One awful person causes devastation, thousands of people retaliate with only goodness and kindness.  From the taxi drivers who offered free rides to people who opened their homes to strangers.

It’s easy to forget how amazing the world and people around us can be when we face loss, stress and trauma.  The kindness of people doesn’t really lessen the devastation and pain but it does give a level of hope.  It is a hope that things are not actually all terrible.  That there is more good than bad in the world.  That we can survive tough times.
Open yourself up to the potential of beauty in every moment.  It will make things just a little bit better.

Fighting the anxiety monster

11 Thursday May 2017

Posted by in Anxiety, Being brave, Coping skills, Mindfulness

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When you get stressed or anxious, one of the feelings that you may feel is being overwhelmed, feeling that your life is out of control or that you feel distant from the world around you (almost like you are living life in a bubble).
If you experience any of these feelings, the impact on you can make you feel even worse and it could escalate into panic.
Common symptoms include having chest pains, difficulty breathing, tightness in your throat, dizziness, sweating and numbness or tingling in your body.
I know that these are also symptoms of a heart attack but let me tell you this:
You are probably not having a heart attack!  And if you genuinely are concerned that you may be having one, stop reading this and call for an ambulance.  But you probably are not having a heart attack.  A large majority of people who go into doctors and emergency rooms with any of the symptoms mentioned here are most likely to be having a panic attack.
It’s really horrible when you think that your heart is about to give up and the doctor tells you that there is nothing wrong with you!  The less informed doctors then categorize you as a GOOMER (get out of my emergency room!) instead of offering or referring to psychological support (a little pet hate of mine….)

It is definitely not easy to control anxiety but know this:
You’ve felt this way before and you have survived and there is a really good chance that you are going to survive this too.
Try to sit quietly and acknowledge the anxiety for what it is “I am having an anxiety attack.  I AM NOT DYING!
And then really focus on the here and now.
Zone in on your 5 senses –
What am I looking at?  What sounds can I hear around me? Breathe! What can I smell? What am I touching? (including the feeling of your bum on the chair, your feet on the floor) Breathe!  Sip some water, notice how it cools your throat.  Sip some tea, notice how it warms you.  Breathe!  You are alive! You can do this.  Squeeze your stress ball or a tissue balled up in your hand.  Breathe!  Close your eyes for a few seconds, centre yourself in the now.  Breathe!

I know that you can do this.  Now you have to believe that you can do this too.
You can have control over this!

Calming memories

04 Thursday May 2017

Posted by in Advice, Coping skills, Mindfulness, Moods, Quiet and slow

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Yesterday was my grandmother’s 100th birthday and with the celebration came a rush of memories.
I have so many good memories of my grandparent’s house in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe.
The ones I remember most are the ones that are etched in my senses.  The taste of the tea with way too much sugar and far too much milk in it which was deemed sensible for children’s tastes, freshly squeezed orange juice from oranges just picked from the trees in the garden, the smell of woven baskets and polish, the sounds of certain birds.  My grandmother was the queen of making fudge and biscuits which she would hide in the grocery cupboard.  The smell of the soap stored in the same cupboard will always make my tongue tingle because I knew that the fudge had to be somewhere in there.  Sometimes we were lucky and we found it, other times not so much….

Now in my old age (well, old enough to have a grandmother who is 100), just the thought of these things makes me happy.  And even better still, sipping orange juice or sitting down with a cup of tea (now with no sugar and far less milk) can calm me down in an instant because it creates a flashback to happier times of childhood.

Hopefully everybody has some happy childhood memories.  You might not have had a perfect childhood but I’m sure you have one or two memories that make you smile.
Can you recreate those memories in adulthood?
Is there a snack that you can eat or something that you can smell in the middle of a stressful day at work that will have the ability to calm you down?
Can you create some time to do the things that really used to make you feel happy?
You may be surprised at how a simple thing can just settle your heart rate, slow down your breathing and make you feel that all is right with the world even if it is for just 5 minutes.  And if that means an extra spoon of sugar in your tea (or a dollop of condensed milk) than who are any of us to argue?

World Aids Day

01 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by in Change, Coping skills, HIV, Positivity

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How did it get to be December?
And suddenly it is World Aids Day.
I have been involved in HIV education and counselling since 1993 and it is a totally different world today compared to how we dealt with HIV then.  I did a lot of work in helping people to accept death and making peace with their lives.
I was involved in trying to reduce stigma towards people living with HIV.
Today it is clearly not a death sentence to be diagnosed with HIV.  People live long and healthy lives with HIV.  And people are generally OK enough to make their status public.

aids

What would be ideal though would be if less people were becoming infected with HIV through abusive relationships.
I still see a lot of women who feel powerless against their abusive spouses who do not care to use condoms even though they know that they are putting themselves and their partners at risk.
These are the people who worry me the most.
So it is OK to say out loud that you are HIV positive but it is not OK to ask your partner to use a condom and be respected for your choice?

My real wish is that AIDS day is not just something that comes along once a year and everyone wears red ribbons, lights candles and says a prayer.  My wish is for people to have freedom within their relationships.  To have the right to stand up and say no.
No to having unprotected sex, no to being treated as less worthy, no to having to answer to somebody, no to being abused in any kind of way.

To everyone who is going through a hard time – here’s to you – you, the survivor, you – with a voice to be heard.
I am constantly inspired by people like you who keep on going no matter how tough it is.
Thank you for making the choice to do things differently!

Coping when life sucks

15 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in Advice, Coping skills

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Let’s face it, sometimes life really sucks and it feels like you are never going to be okay or you will never cope and things will always be this bad.

I will tell you what I know about getting through the rough times:
– Nothing lasts forever – no matter how much you can’t ever imagine getting out of this situation, time will pass and you will.
– You are much stronger and more resilient than you even know.  Just when you think that you are going to fall apart, you keep on going.
– You are a survivor – you are reading this so you must be!
– There is always somebody out there who loves you.  You may feel alone but that is not true – reach out to those people
– There is always somebody out there who hates you.  That is there problem, not yours. Forget about them!
– What doesn’t kill you may not make you stronger, but it didn’t kill you and that’s a good thing… isn’t it?
– Your dog (or cat or bird, maybe not your goldfish) will always think that you are the most amazing person ever!
– There is always, always something to smile about, or even better to laugh about
– There is a very strong possibility that chocolate (or pizza or tea or cheesecake or ice cream) might be just what you need right now.  It definitely won’t fix the problem but just enjoying something is enough to prove that there is something worthwhile in your life
– The sun will always rise tomorrow, you will get through the night and you will get through tomorrow too.
– You are an amazing, special, unique person – don’t ever forget that!

Dealing with negative people

18 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in Advice, Coping skills, Positivity

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One of the biggest stressors that people have to deal with is dealing with other people.  Well, dealing with other people and the way that they treat you.

Why are some people bad, horrible and negative towards you?

  1. They have had a hard life and that makes them negative and resentful towards others
  2. They are having a hard time right now and they find it difficult to interact positively with other people
  3. They are genuinely just nasty people
  4. They are jealous of you (which, by the way, means that you have to be doing something great!)

So what can you do about these people?

  1. Nothing
  2. Nothing
  3. Nothing
  4. Nothing

Their problems are their own.  The only way that they can feel better about themselves is to make you feel bad so that you can feel the same way as they do (or worse) – this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM!  They want it to become your problem but it is really not about you at all.

What can you do about the way you interact with these people?
You have a few choices here (that’s the good news).

  1. Do not have anything to do with them and if possible try to give them space (far, far away from you) – cut them out of your life because they do not deserve to be taking up important space in your life.  You are worth so much more than they allow you to be.  Don’t give them any more room to have control over you.
  2. If they do put you down or treat you badly, please do not pick yourself up and go right back to them so that they can abuse you more.  By cutting you out of their life, they are making a decision for you.  They do not need to be given more opportunities to hurt you.
  3. If you absolutely can not leave them – you need to learn to put up an imaginary barrier between you and them.  They can say and do whatever they want but you are the one who knows why they are saying those things.  And because you know that it is NOT ABOUT YOU, you do not allow their negativity to affect you – you are bigger, stronger and more awesome than that!
  4. Most importantly, take it as a compliment that somebody would be obsessing about what you are doing.  If they are noticing you then you must be doing great.  Keep on being great!  They will eventually get tired of you and move on to someone else.

10 Lessons from Star Wars

04 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in Coping skills, Fear, Life Lessons, Lists, Success

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Today is the 4th of May – or more accurately, May the Fourth (international Star Wars Day)

starwars

Since we celebrate Star Wars Day, here are some important lessons that I have learned from Star Wars.

  1. You can learn something from somebody younger than you.  Just because you are older (and seemingly more experienced), doesn’t mean that a younger person can’t teach you something new.  They may have had an experience or have a skill that you don’t.  So be humble (see Anakin Skywalker’s pod racing abilities)
  2. Big ideas can come in small packages – Yoda is enough proof of that.  Don’t judge people by their size, race or gender.  Everybody has a story to tell, everybody has something that they can teach you.
  3. Use the force (okay, we don’t have Jedi force although that would be really great!) but your attitude could be your force.  The way that you treat people could be your power.  Think about how powerful you really are (and don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise)
  4. Yoda says “Do or not do, there is no try” – we are so afraid of failure that we often don’t even start to try.  If there is something that you want to do, commit to it and do it!
  5. Your biggest fears are within yourself.  You really need to look deeply at yourself before you look on the outside.  How much of what you fear is about your own negative stories that you create around that fear?
  6. If you have a bad feeling about something, try to trust your instinct (or your Jedi abilities) – usually you have a bad feeling for a reason, so don’t put yourself at risk unless you really love danger.
  7. Sometimes the person who looks or acts the strangest can be your closest friend.  A wookiee and a person can be great partners.  We can be wonderful friends with people from different cultures, races and religions if we are prepared to see beyond the ‘box’
  8. Stand up for what is right – even if it is your father that is your enemy.
  9. Yoda said “when 900 year you will reach, look as good you will not” – learn to love (or at least like) yourself as you are – in a beauty and looks orientated material world, it is easy to forget that true beauty comes from within
  10. Sometimes you need to leave your comfort zone (or even your planet) in order to really start fulfilling your destiny

May the fourth (or even the force) be with you!