Category Archives: self esteem

Be nice – always

20 Thursday Apr 2017

Posted by in Advice, Attitude, Moods, Positivity, Projects, self esteem

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This week’s mission:
Say something nice to a horrible person.
Yes, that is what I said.
It’s a difficult mission especially when you have spent so much time fantasizing about revenge but stick with me here.

First you need to understand that there are many reasons that a person would be horrible to you:
1. They are genuinely horrible and nasty and they get pleasure from upsetting you.
2. They are indifferent to other people’s needs so they seem horrible but they just don’t notice what others are going through nor do they understand others emotions.
3. They are really stressed and their irritability is making them moody and nasty.
4. They feel bad about themselves and can’t handle anyone else being happy so they pull you down to their level to feel better about themselves.

So how does it help to be nice to any of these people?
If they are genuinely horrible, you counteract that by being genuinely nice. You are not going to change them but you can change your own attitude towards them – killing somebody with kindness?
If they are indifferent, you might be the one person to show them that the world and people in general might be better than they thought and give them a more positive outlook in life.
Somebody who is stressed needs love, care and attention. Be the one to show that you care and that you understand that they are actually nice and this is not their true self. You disarm their anger with kindness and might make a difference in their life (or at least in their day).
And for the person with a low self esteem, by being nice you are showing them that you are ok enough to be yourself. You won’t allow their negativity to pull you down because you are a nice person and you are happy with yourself.  Maybe one day they will be too.

You might learn something about somebody who you previously had disliked. They might learn something about you that they come to like.
Always choose the nice option.
Always be nice.
No matter what. Trust me on this one.

Fighting mediocrity

02 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in Advice, Being brave, Freedom, Positivity, self esteem

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mediocre
ˌmiːdɪˈəʊkə/
adjective

  1. of only average quality; not very good.

Mediocre is my worst word – I hate the idea of mediocrity.  I think it is because being mediocre shows no commitment.  It is neither good nor bad, just in the middle.
I truly believe that people who are the most stressed are the least mediocre people.  You get stressed because you are passionate about something and often people stand in your way.
They stand in your way because they are comfortable with their mediocrity and your passion, excitement and commitment are a serious threat to their comfort zone.  If you are not strong enough in your self belief, you will find it easy just to fall back and join the mediocre people.
Please don’t.
You are so amazing, interesting and unique.  You have so much to offer.  Don’t let anybody else destroy that!
Stop trying to fit in to please other people.
Start asserting your right to be an individual.
You are wonderful just as you are!great-spirits

Learning from the small

16 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Advice, Life Lessons, Positivity, self esteem

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Today we celebrate Youth Day.
And while we actually do celebrate the freedom that it represents (and enjoy a day off work and school) may we never forget the stories behind June the 16th – the Soweto uprising.
It took bravery for people to stand up for what they believed in.  It took guts for the ‘small’ to fight the ‘big’.
Those people changed our history.
This week, we were once again faced with the result of hatred in the shootings in Orlando, USA.  As devastating as it was, the uprising of people afterwards – standing together as one with strong belief in good – was absolutely amazing.

Most of us are blessed with a freedom that perhaps the precious generation didn’t have.
Let us not take that for granted.
Never let anybody oppress you.  Whether it is leaders, people in your work place, bullies or even family members.  Don’t ever allow anybody to belittle you or tell you that you are less worthy or not good enough.
Don’t be small!
You may not have the ability, or the bravery to take on the ‘big guys’ but you can still be the best person that you can be despite your circumstances.  Rise above those circumstances!
Be wonderful even if nobody supports you in doing it.
Do great things even if nobody recognises what you do.
Do things because they make you happy and not for reward.
Find fulfillment in whatever you need to do and celebrate your freedom to be different.

Friedrich Nietzsche said “the surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.”

Who is to blame for our falls?

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

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On Monday, we had no electricity in our area for a few hours (a few too many).  The sun had set, it was getting dark and in my wisdom I decided that was the ideal time to hang washing (don’t ask – there is no logic to be found here).
Because I couldn’t really see what I was doing, I didn’t realise that I had been dropping water all over my tiled floor until I slipped in the water and had a very non-graceful fall.  I still have a big bruise on my leg to prove it, although my ego was more bruised than my knee.
I sat on the floor in the puddle, crying in pain and frustration and I needed to blame someone – so of course I blamed City Power for my fall.  After all, if I had been able to turn on the lights, I would have noticed the puddle and I wouldn’t have fallen.
That makes sense! Does it?
Not at all!
No matter how dark it was – I was the one carrying wet washing over a tiled floor.  Then that makes it 100% my responsibility.

Every day I spend time with people who give me long lists filled with who is to blame for their problems.  They spend so much energy being angry and blaming that they absolutely do not see the role that they play in their circumstances.
Today I had somebody tell me “if you don’t sort out my manager then I am going to get sick!”
Huh?
The truth is that if they don’t do something to change their situation, then they are going to get sick.  No matter how terrible the manager is, there is nothing that you can do to change this person.  You can only change yourself and how you deal with your issues.

As soon as you realise this and take the control back, you will feel much more empowered.
You are the manager of your own life.  You can have control of your destiny.
Yes, it is difficult when somebody is blocking your way but you have to be the one to take the different path.

Keep being wonderful!

The benefit of creativity

13 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Creativity, Mindfulness, Positivity, Projects, Quiet and slow, self esteem

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It’s the April slump.  The holidays are a distant memory, the Easter long weekend is over and for us in the Southern hemisphere, winter is on its way.
So to try to make an effort to make life more interesting and give me something to look forward to, I signed up for an art course.
I was initially cautious about doing a course that would require at least an hour of work a day – an hour that I wasn’t sure that I had to spare.
But I signed up anyway and hoped for the best.

And it has been the best thing that I have done in a long time.
It is amazing how I have managed to find time that I didn’t know existed – it is never a full hour but a few minutes a few times a day adds up.  It seems that watching TV is not that important (and neither is doing the dishes).
I always go on about the therapeutic value of creativity but I often ignore the importance of taking the time to do it myself.  Just sitting quietly with my paintbrushes (and generally making a mess) has been so good for me.
One of the most important things about this course for me has been the fact that I have had the opportunity to meet like-minded people.  People who will tell me how wonderful my art work is, even though I am clearly not an artist.  There is not one bit of negativity around.  Even when someone is really not that good, they still are praised for trying and for their effort.
It has been so good for my self esteem – all that positive feedback can do no harm at all!

So, over to you.  I’d like you to try out some of the beneficial things that I have gained from doing this course.
Your project for this week is either to:

  1. Make some time to create something – it does not have to be a work of art but it does have to be something different to what you usually do.
  2. Find a few people to compliment.  You don’t have to lie, or bend the truth.  Just look for something good in a few good people and tell them what you see.  It gives you the opportunity to spread love and boost somebody else’s self esteem
  3. Find a course where you can learn a new skill or develop a skill that you have neglected because you are too busy being responsible
  4. Do all of the above!

I look forward to hearing what you are up to.

Outgrow up

17 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Advice, Attitude, self esteem, Self growth

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Sometimes you find something that is so perfect that there is not much else to say.
This morning I found piece of writings by Chanda Kaushik:

“I have outgrown many things.  I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support.  I have outgrown my need to meet my family’s unrealistic expectations of me.  I have outgrown girls who wear masks and secretly rejoice at my misfortunes.  I have outgrown shrinking myself for boys who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature.  I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments.  I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear whenever life gets a little dark.  I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity.  I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced.  I have outgrown those who don’t take a stand against ignorance and injustice.  I have outgrown trying to please everyone.  I have outgrown society constantly telling me I’m not beautiful, smart or worthy enough.  I have outgrown my tendency to fill my mind with self doubt and insecurity.  I have outgrown trying to find reasons not to love myself.  I have outgrown anything and anyone that does not enrich the essence of my soul.  I have outgrown many things – and I’ve never felt freer.”

Obviously you should change certain sentences to suit your gender and your relationships with others but I honestly believe that every person should read this every day and remind yourselves of how valuable and worthy you really are.

You ARE wonderful!

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Attitude, Positivity, self esteem

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A friend of mine has been feeling down because her high school reunion is coming up and when she looks at what everyone else is doing with their lives, it makes what she is doing seem insignificant.
Personally I think that she is an absolute superhero – she is an amazing and creative mother who has had some huge changes in her life that she gracefully survives.
But that doesn’t seem to be as great as the “super successful” people that she went to school with.

When my school reunion came up, I refused to go because my past is exactly that – the past!  And if I was really interested in people that I went to school with, I would still be in touch with them.  We moved in different directions and I was quite ok to let them go. (Let’s not even speak about the fact that I was in total denial that it had been 25 years since I left school)

We are totally surrounded by information all the time that tells us that we are not good enough.  Whether it is through social media where people have a need to tell everyone how wonderful they are or even if we are exposed to messages in mainstream media that tell us that our hair is not shiny enough (if I am to believe every single advert that gets blasted at me whenever I watch a video on YouTube), we don’t drive the right car, of course we bank with the wrong bank, eat the wrong food and go to the wrong places.  And the powers that be want us to come over to their (obviously) good side.
How are you meant to keep your self esteem in tact after all of that?

How about letting go of all of the negative messages?
Why not stop comparing yourself to other people?
You are perfectly amazing just the way you are and you have value to give. You are special and talented in your own way.
You have your own unique story to tell and it is worth telling!

“Your life is a story…. Make yours a best seller!”

A lesson in memory of Freddie Mercury

24 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by in HIV, Life Lessons, self esteem

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23 years ago, my favourite singer died.
Freddie Mercury was well known for his amazing voice but also for his over the top, larger than life personality on stage.
You wouldn’t call him a good looking guy at all but he was magnificent.  And compared to today’s high standards for the perfect look, he was much more than his looks.
They just added to his quirkiness.
Sadly, he died of AIDS in a time when there was still such a huge stigma around the illness and he kept his illness a secret until 2 days before his death.  I really feel blessed that people are talking about HIV so much more and are  open and comfortable with sharing their HIV status.

More than anything else, I really admired how Freddie was just himself.
He didn’t fit into any mould.
He was unique.
And that is a lesson that can be learned by all of us.
The lyrics for Innuendo say it so well:

You can be anything you want to be
Just turn yourself into anything you think that you could ever be
Be free with your tempo, be free be free
Surrender your ego – be free, be free to yourself

If there’s a God or any kind of justice under the sky
If there’s a point, if there’s a reason to live or die
If there’s an answer to the questions we feel bound to ask
Show yourself – destroy our fears – release your mask
Oh yes we’ll keep on trying

In honour of Freddie’s memory and more importantly, in honour of yourself, throw away your mask.
Stop living a life where your main objective is to please others and to make other people happy.
Stop worrying about what other people think of you or if you “fit” in or not.
You don’t fit in – nobody does!
Be proud to be you because being YOU is good enough.
Better than good enough, it is wonderful!

The blog that almost wasn’t

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Advice, Positivity, self esteem

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This past week has been all about me being unwell, my kids being sick, family responsibilities, too much work and then, to top it all off – it has been raining incessantly.
None of these are conducive to getting much else done, including taking time out for myself.
And when I found a bit of time for myself, I felt guilty because I have so much else to do.
I should rather be doing that. Shouldn’t I?
No, I shouldn’t!

Never underestimate how important it is just to step away from the ‘craziness’ of the pressure and routine of everyday life and just do something to nurture yourself.
There is absolutely no point in pushing yourself so hard that you end up not being able to get anything done at all.
My day is filled with seeing people who don’t make time for themselves – who spend so much time working and parenting and caregiving that they forget about the most important person – themselves!
And their number one excuse (and one that is popular in my vocabulary too) – “I feel guilty if I don’t give to others and then I feel like a selfish person if say no to them”
You are no help to anyone if you don’t have any energy left over at the end of the day.

Give up the feelings of guilt and the idea that you are selfish and rather treasure yourself.
Know that you are not put on this earth to make everyone else happy and to be kind to others.
That doesn’t make you a nasty person.
It makes you human!

I promise you this: if you nurture yourself and take time for yourself and your happiness, you will feel so much more motivated and energised.
And then you will have the ability to give to others.
You will attract more positive and appreciative people into your life which can only make you feel better too.
At this time of the year, when most people are feeling exhausted, give yourself a boost by doing something wonderful for you and feel the difference that it makes.

Low self esteem from social media

21 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Quiet and slow, self esteem

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I know that this is going to sound crazy – especially since some of you are reading this on Facebook and that my friends call me the “Facebook queen” but I do not like social media.
I’m on it all the time and I have a fear of missing out but I don’t like it.
And I certainly believe that there is an important place for social media in terms with connecting with people who are important to you and sharing information.
But, last week, I was not online at all for three consecutive days and I didn’t miss anything!
Miraculously the world continued to rotate, Facebook didn’t shut down without me and Torvill and Dean didn’t get married!

In our fast paced, instant gratification kind of world that we live in, we often feel that we have so little time and are often thankful for all of the technology that assists us in our lives.  But when that technology starts to control us and actually ends up taking even more of our time it becomes problematic.

Most social media just represents an edited version of people’s lives.
You’re not exactly going to post ugly pictures of yourself or talk about the negative things that are happening in your life (unless you are looking for attention and wanting people to comment on how much they feel sorry for you).
People post their best photos, their favourite stories and their achievements. They tell you what a wonderful life they are leading, often with the pictures to prove it.
Is this real life?
Not at all.
People don’t even speak spontaneously anymore. Rather, they think about what they want to say, and how they think that people will interpret it and then present a highly edited version of their original thought.
And where does that leave you when you are already feeling stressed or depressed?
It makes you feel inadequate or inferior.
It makes you feel that you don’t do enough, or achieve enough or live an exciting enough life.

If you are stressed or overwhelmed by what you see others doing or by how you feel others are judging you, take a break from it. I promise you that you’ll feel better for it.
Let me tell you this: Your life is so important!
What you do is valuable and meaningful!
Don’t ever get caught up in the belief that you are worth less than somebody else.
Be true to yourself, live in the moment and continue to be blessed by what you do have.