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I don't want to be stressed

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I don't want to be stressed

Tag Archives: loss

Surviving that which you never think you will

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by Andi in Advice, Anxiety, Attitude, Being brave, Life Lessons, Stress

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anxiety, growing, learning, loss, resilience, story, stress, surviving, trauma

People tell you awful and ridiculous things when you are going through a difficult time.
Things like chin up, be strong and my personal favourite – everything is going to be okay.
And you feel like saying, “How the hell do you know that things are going to be okay?” because it feels like it is never going to be okay.
This is what I do know – you don’t have to be okay and you don’t have to be strong.  You are absolutely allowed to fall apart and cry and scream and panic.
You do need to be gentle on yourself and realise that as much as nobody can tell the future, what you are going through is not going to last forever – it just can’t.
This is what you are going through now.
You are going to overcome this but it is not going to happen overnight.  You have the right to be stressed and anxious.
But don’t let that become your story.
Your story is that you will become resilient and you will have a great tale to tell future generations one day – “long time ago, I went through a really difficult time but I survived and I’m here to share my story with you”
I wish that you didn’t have to have that story to tell but it’s yours – embrace it, learn from it, grow from it and become a better person for having gone through it.
You absolutely have this!

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Finding the beauty in tragedy

25 Thursday May 2017

Posted by Andi in Acts of Kindness, Advice, Attitude, Coping skills, Positivity, trauma

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beauty, death, kindness, loss, Manchester bombing, survival, tragedy, trauma

This week started horribly with the death of my granny.  Although she was 100 years old, it is still sad to lose a loved one.
Something so beautiful came out of her death though.
Distant cousins who I had lost touch with years ago reached out to me in our shared grief.  People had such nice things to say and I realised who actually really cares about me.  I spent some quality time making an art work memorial for her and found some peace in doing so.

Then later in the week the world was once again thrown into a state of tragedy when we woke up to the horrible news about the bomb in Manchester.
And once again, there was beauty to be seen everywhere.  One awful person causes devastation, thousands of people retaliate with only goodness and kindness.  From the taxi drivers who offered free rides to people who opened their homes to strangers.

It’s easy to forget how amazing the world and people around us can be when we face loss, stress and trauma.  The kindness of people doesn’t really lessen the devastation and pain but it does give a level of hope.  It is a hope that things are not actually all terrible.  That there is more good than bad in the world.  That we can survive tough times.
Open yourself up to the potential of beauty in every moment.  It will make things just a little bit better.

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You will move on

17 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by Andi in Advice, Coping skills, Fear

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grief, illness, loss, Michael Jordan, moving on, obstacles, pain

So today I want to talk about something close to my heart (and body too I guess).
I often talk about living in the moment and not worrying about the past and the future.  Good?
So far, so good.
There is one problem with living in the moment, and that is if that moment is a tough one, it is very difficult to imagine ever moving on.
This week, I was knocked out by a “nasty” ailment and I felt so miserable and so sorry for myself.
I truly thought that I was never going to recover.  And then suddenly on Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling a bit better – what a difference in my mood and attitude!

When you are sick, you start to imagine that you are never going to get better.
A pain filled day leads you to believe that you are going to be in pain for the rest of your life.
And a lot of people that I treat who have depression find it hard to believe that they will ever feel ‘normal’ again.  They believe that they will feel sad forever.
And one of the most difficult things to ever imagine overcoming is grief.  When grief consumes you, it seems impossible that you are ever going to get over this sad, sad stage of your life.  And you can never imagine moving on without your loved one.

Let me tell you this.  You will get over it!
Don’t question how you are going to cope.  You will cope!  It is not easy to understand that, but you will. Everybody does.
Don’t allow pain, whether it is physical or emotional, to make you fearful.
Do the best that you can within the situation, put one foot in front of the other.
You don’t have to get everything done, you don’t have to get anything done.
Ask for help, talk about how you are feeling.
Accept that other people may not have a clue about what you are going through.
But you will get through this.
If nobody overcame their difficulties, I would not be doing the job that I do, and this blog certainly wouldn’t exist.  Just the fact that you are reading this means that you believe that things are going to get better and they will.

And if you’re still not sure, then read this quote by Michael Jordan:
“Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”

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Beginnings and Endings

04 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Andi in Advice, Coping skills, Life Lessons, trauma

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coping, death, dying, Elisabeth Kubler Ross, letting go, light at the end of the tunnel, loss, mourning, moving on

Tonight is the start of the Jewish new year – Rosh Hashana.
The greeting that we commonly use is to wish each other a sweet, happy and healthy new year.
And although a lot of you reading this are not Jewish, I wish the same to all of you – health, happiness and success for the future.

On the new year, we focus on renewal so it may be strange that I am choosing to focus on death today.
But in the circle of life, isn’t it all about beginnings and endings, losses and new beginnings?  Sometimes you need to lose something in order to gain something else (and please know that I am in no way justifying why we go through such painful losses).
I have been dealing with so many people lately who have lost loved ones that I felt that it was important to say something about it here (and somebody very kindly asked me to do it too).

I’m sure that everyone has lost somebody, and I know that some of you have had multiple losses or losses that are so painful that you can’t imagine how you are ever going to make it to the other side.
For some people, loss is not about death of a person but rather a loss of something else.  It may be the loss of a job or the end of a relationship but it can even be a loss of self – a loss of hope or a loss of self belief.

Whatever loss you are experiencing, I want to give you some tips on what NOT to do:

  • Don’t give yourself a time limit for your grief.  You have no idea how long it will take to get over it.  There is enough pressure from other people without you putting pressure on yourself.  Time will look after itself.
  • Don’t let people tell you what to expect based on their own experiences.  Nobody experiences things the same way even the experience is identical.  This is going to be your experience – deal with it your way.
  • Never listen to the stories about lights at the end of tunnels, silver linings to clouds, rainbows after storms.  Your rainbow will come, there will be light but when you are feeling emotional, you are allowed to feel that way and not focused on the other side.
  • Don’t be ‘strong’.  Most likely you are being strong for somebody else, let each person deal with their loss their own way as you are allowed to express your grief too.
  • Don’t worry about any stupid advice you may get (and believe me, there will be lots of it).  The only reason people say things that seem stupid to you is that they don’t know what else to say.  At least they are trying to say something.  Take it with a pinch of salt.
  • Don’t expect your routine to always work out.  You may have problems concentrating, you may take longer to get things done.  It won’t last forever. Forgive yourself if you don’t get everything done everyday!
  • Don’t battle on your own.  If you are really not coping and are finding it difficult to function, please seek help.  Don’t be afraid to say “I can’t do it on my own.”
  • Don’t expect that there is a formula for mourning.  Elisabeth Kubler Ross wrote about the stages of mourning – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – in her book, On Death and Dying.  You will probably go through all of those stages, but you might skip some, you might have them in the wrong order, you might find yourself stuck in a certain stage.  It is all alright.  You are not abnormal!

Eventually in a time that is right for you, you will move on and see that light at the end of the tunnel and discover the rainbows.

This is dedicated to the amazing people who I work with every day that are braver than they know, that are an inspiration to so many people when they share their pain and make people realise that they are not alone.
Look after yourselves kindly!

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