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Tag Archives: surviving

Surviving that which you never think you will

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by Andi in Advice, Anxiety, Attitude, Being brave, Life Lessons, Stress

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anxiety, growing, learning, loss, resilience, story, stress, surviving, trauma

People tell you awful and ridiculous things when you are going through a difficult time.
Things like chin up, be strong and my personal favourite – everything is going to be okay.
And you feel like saying, “How the hell do you know that things are going to be okay?” because it feels like it is never going to be okay.
This is what I do know – you don’t have to be okay and you don’t have to be strong.  You are absolutely allowed to fall apart and cry and scream and panic.
You do need to be gentle on yourself and realise that as much as nobody can tell the future, what you are going through is not going to last forever – it just can’t.
This is what you are going through now.
You are going to overcome this but it is not going to happen overnight.  You have the right to be stressed and anxious.
But don’t let that become your story.
Your story is that you will become resilient and you will have a great tale to tell future generations one day – “long time ago, I went through a really difficult time but I survived and I’m here to share my story with you”
I wish that you didn’t have to have that story to tell but it’s yours – embrace it, learn from it, grow from it and become a better person for having gone through it.
You absolutely have this!

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Take this moment

16 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by Andi in Advice, Attitude, Coping skills, Mental health, Mindfulness

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control, focus on the now, mindfulness, moment, surviving

Having control over our lives is what we all want.
Having control is what most of us don’t have.
We fantasize about it, we dream about it, we work hard at getting it back yet it seems that there are always going to be times when control is just something that we don’t have.
It is so difficult to feel that your life is not really yours, that there is some unseen force that is making your life miserable.
And to make it worse, there is always someone around you who seems to have it all sorted out – they drive a better car, have a better job, have more success, their kids are high achievers.  This makes you feel even more miserable.

What if you can let all of that stuff go?
Can you make this moment, this moment right now, the best moment for now?
I’m not saying it is brilliant, but just for now, you have absolute control over the moment.  You can decide how deeply to breathe, you can decide whether you want to walk or run or dance.  You have a choice to smile or to frown, to sing or to stare out of the window.
They may not be big things, but they are yours.
Make the absolute best of this time.  It is the only thing that you can do.
What will happen next?
I don’t know!
Are you going to be okay?
I don’t know!
But I do know this – you have the ability to keep on surviving, to stand tall, to make a difference, to let go of some of your worries, to throw caution to the wind.
You can do all of this if you just take this moment for you.

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World Aids Day

01 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by Andi in Change, Coping skills, HIV, Positivity

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Tags

abuse, AIDS, HIV, HIV rights, Saying no, surviving, World Aids Day

How did it get to be December?
And suddenly it is World Aids Day.
I have been involved in HIV education and counselling since 1993 and it is a totally different world today compared to how we dealt with HIV then.  I did a lot of work in helping people to accept death and making peace with their lives.
I was involved in trying to reduce stigma towards people living with HIV.
Today it is clearly not a death sentence to be diagnosed with HIV.  People live long and healthy lives with HIV.  And people are generally OK enough to make their status public.

aids

What would be ideal though would be if less people were becoming infected with HIV through abusive relationships.
I still see a lot of women who feel powerless against their abusive spouses who do not care to use condoms even though they know that they are putting themselves and their partners at risk.
These are the people who worry me the most.
So it is OK to say out loud that you are HIV positive but it is not OK to ask your partner to use a condom and be respected for your choice?

My real wish is that AIDS day is not just something that comes along once a year and everyone wears red ribbons, lights candles and says a prayer.  My wish is for people to have freedom within their relationships.  To have the right to stand up and say no.
No to having unprotected sex, no to being treated as less worthy, no to having to answer to somebody, no to being abused in any kind of way.

To everyone who is going through a hard time – here’s to you – you, the survivor, you – with a voice to be heard.
I am constantly inspired by people like you who keep on going no matter how tough it is.
Thank you for making the choice to do things differently!

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Don’t judge me by my death stare

11 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by Andi in Attitude, Life Lessons, Mindfulness

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Chad le Clos, death stare, Michael Phelps, news, not worrying, old news, Olympics, opinions, surviving

I’m sure that we have all seen the photo of the Michael Phelps death stare by now.

death stare
Truthfully, I don’t understand what the big deal was – people do things to prepare for big events in ways that us mere mortals may never understand.
I have my own version of the death stare (though, let’s be honest – it looks more like I am squinting into the sunlight than any really scary look and I may not be a super villain yet).
What I really don’t understand was why the “death stare” had to make the front page of our newspaper.
Was there nothing more important to report on that day?
Perhaps not…
I am just grateful that my death stare didn’t make the front page.

Today, there is something else on the front page and the death stare is old news.
Never, ever forget that – what seems like something so important today, may be insignificant tomorrow.
Sometimes, we make mistakes or things happen to us that feel like they are the end of the world at the time.  Yet, we survive.
You may be the talking point in the office today because everyone has something to say about how you behaved or what you did.  But tomorrow, they will have moved on.  That’s just what happens.
Try not to let people’s opinions of you matter.  It is just that – an opinion.  What you do today does not define who you are going to be tomorrow.
It may seem like the end of the world today, tomorrow might be a little bit better.
You are a survivor after all!

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Seeing rainbows

11 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by Andi in Advice, Attitude, Gratitude, Life Lessons, Positivity

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count your blessings, gratitude, Monday, rainbows, surviving

On Monday evening one of my friends posted on Facebook something that said “I survived Monday!”
I’m sure that most of us feel that way on a Monday and immediately start counting the days and hours until Friday.
The only problem with “I survived Monday!” is that my neighbour didn’t.
He died on Monday morning.
When most people were moaning about traffic, complaining about the week and generally dragging themselves into the day, he didn’t even make it to 9am on a Monday morning. And his family’s lives were devastated in an instant.
Believe me, I was having my fair share of Monday complaining and generally feeling miserable and overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities but that quickly ended when I heard the news.  It was a quick and very rude awakening about how blessed I was to have not only “survived Monday” but also to still be here to be blessed enough to continue with my “stressful” and “chaotic” life.

Please don’t forget to pause even while feeling sorry for yourself and to realise how blessed you are.

Today I was exhausted and as I finally did my shopping and then drove out of the shops, the sight that I was greeted with was absolutely spectacular.  There was a huge rainbow arching over the sky.  So amazing!  I saw it as a gift to me and a clear reminder of the beauty of life.

beautiful rainbow

Take a breath, look at the bigger picture and realise how special every moment is and what a blessing it is to be able to be here to celebrate that moment.

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World AIDS day 2015

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by Andi in HIV

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2015, AIDS, courage, David Patient, HIV, hope, surviving, ugly, World Aids Day

Many years ago, more than I care to think about, in my university days, I used to march and shout and speak out loud about HIV awareness and fighting stigma.
If there was an HIV event, I was there.  It was probably right then that I realised that I needed to be working in an HIV related environment.
In those days, very few people spoke about HIV, people who were HIV positive kept quiet and a lot of people only were diagnosed when they became really sick.
I am so happy to say that in my environment, that is rarely the case anymore.  People are more outspoken and unafraid to share their status with others and the stigma related to HIV is reducing.
During my mission to immerse myself in HIV work, I was exposed to a man who would not only change my life but would change countless other people’s lives too.
David Patient is an inspiration to us all – he has lived with HIV for longer than most and his positive personality has rubbed off on many.
With his kind permission, I am sharing what he wrote this morning:

I was going to remain silent this World AIDS day…no funny one-liners or snappy comments-just silence-…. and then I read this and it sums up everything I am feeling… takes me back to my diagnosis almost 33 years ago and reminds me of all those I have lost to HIV and how people treated us, the ‘UGLY’ back then….we may have come a long way, but we still have so far to go…. this is a tribute to all the ‘uglies’ of the world, past, present and future….

This abandoned little kitten was found wandering the streets, and every time people saw him they’d shy away from him because he looked ugly and sick. His name? Ugly the cat. One man took pity on the poor thing and shared his love with Ugly, before he died in his arms.
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat.
Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with life spent outside had their effect on Ugly.
To start with, he had only one eye, and where the others should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot has appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long since been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck; even his shoulders with thick, yellow scabs.
Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction “Thats one ugly cat!” All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come to their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave.
Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around his feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings or what ever he could find.
One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor’s huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly’s sad life was almost at an end.
Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and I could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought.
Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear – Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped my palm with his head. Then, he turned his one golden eye towards me. I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain that ugly battle-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.
At the moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had be scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I care for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.

The author of this story is unknown. If it is a real story or not we may never know. But it does teach us a very important lesson!
Let’s always remember, when a person or an animal looks scary or ugly, it’s not always their fault – sometimes, you can wipe away that weathered surface with some love and compassion.

May every person lost to HIV and AIDS be remembered with love today, and may all of you still dealing with HIV be courageous and wonderful.

To find out more about David Patient, please visit his website:

www.davidpatient.com

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Surviving “bad luck”

11 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by Andi in Attitude, Being brave

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A A Milne, bad luck, being gentle, choices, curses, surviving, taking a break, Winnie the Pooh quotes

Wow, it seems that I have gone through a string of bad luck lately!
It started with my house flooding (but then, who am I to complain? I always wanted an indoor swimming pool), and then my drains were blocked (no need for any descriptions there). Things settled down for a few days before my neighbour died and then, oh joyous day, my son broke his finger (on his right hand, which is his dominant hand that he writes with – 2 weeks before exams start)
Even as I type this out, I am laughing at myself that I thought that those were disasters.  Though while I was going through each one, I thought that there was some conspiracy against me – that some puppet master, or mafia boss, was sitting in a dodgy office somewhere laughing at my downfall.
It didn’t help that my cleaner was one hundred percent convinced that we were cursed by a witch whose sole mission it was to chase her out of my house! (Seriously!)
So now that we have survived these (so called) terrible things that were not actually that bad, I had time to reflect about how much we tend to over-dramatise things that are really not that dramatic.
Yes, there are times when things are clearly disastrous but people overcome all kinds of things – never mind being cursed by a witch.
You never truly know how much you can survive until life throws something at you and says “let’s see how you are going to deal with this!”
There is no way that you are going to go through life smooth sailing all of the time.  It just doesn’t work like that.
But you always have a choice – let life knock you down and focus on how terrible things are or say “OK, life I see you but I am not entertaining this negativity”
I really don’t believe that anyone is cursed or put on this earth to suffer or be punished.  If you feel that way, you are much more likely to get stuck in a negative space and then…. surprise, surprise… life is a negative place to be.
I’m not asking you to be in love with life – sometimes life is just not worth loving – but to be gentle enough on yourself that if things go wrong, you can gracefully deal with it and leave the drama behind.
Sometimes life even has a way of forcing you to slow down – you push yourself so hard and never take a break. Then life will say “aha – you need a break! How about lying in your lounge next to your new (temporary!) indoor swimming pool?” or “you never take a day off work, how about taking the day off to spend with your son in another hospital? A change is as good as a holiday”
Maybe one day, you too will look back at all of your disasters and say, “I am awesome to have survived that ordeal and I am a stronger person for having gone through it”.

“Promise me you’ll always remember…
You’re braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem,
Smarter than you think,
and Loved more than you know”
– Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh (A. A. Milne)

 

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Unbelievably strong

09 Friday May 2014

Posted by Andi in Advice, Attitude, Positivity

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attitude, challenges, difficulties, new perspective, positive thinking, skill, strength, surviving, survivor

I am attending a 6 week course – for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to attend a course on a Monday night.  I’m not sure if that was one of my brightest plans ever but since the course is focused a lot on positivity and changing the way we view our lives, it is probably not such a bad way to start the week after all.

Then on Thursday, I opened my diary and read the following quote at the bottom of the page:
“A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner” – English Proverb
Interesting coincidence since part of the course on Monday was focused on the eternal question of “why do bad things happen to good people?”
The answer given was that bad things need to happen to good people so that they have the opportunity to grow as individuals, to become stronger and wiser humans.

I think that we so often wish that our lives were smoother and easier and that things would always go our way.
And then life comes and just laughs at you and throws something truly awful into your path.
You will struggle – not only with the problem that you are dealing wih but also with the unfairness of life and persistently questioning “why me?” .
But eventually, the struggle and the awfulness slowly eases, and you wake up and realise that you are truly strong.  You understand that you have survived and you will keep plodding along until eventually you wake up again and realise that you are awesome and life is not so awful at all.

How are we going to become skilled mariners?
By riding out those rough seas.
By realising what it takes to survive those rough times, and more importantly what we have within us that is going to help us to survive.

You are truly strong and you are truly awesome but you will never know that if you don’t first overcome!

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